Powerful questions every grandparent (and parent) should know
It can be tempting, as grandparents, to do a lot of telling. After all, we’re much older and wiser, so we know stuff, right? But by asking questions of the younger generation, we can give them space to explore their own thoughts and name their feelings. Asking questions empowers them because it signals that we’re here to listen, we won’t judge, and we can help them work things out for themselves. Questions are at the heart of all good mentoring or coaching conversations.
I think we all know we should ask more questions in all our conversations, but when it comes to grandkids, what are good questions to ask? And what makes a powerful question?
My colleague Professor David Clutterbuck explains the makeup of a powerful question. It’s one that is:
Personal – it is about them, or about how they connect to an issue
Resonant – it has an emotional impact
Acute/ Incisive – it gets to the heart of the issue
Reverberating – it stimulates reflection both in the moment and for some time afterwards
Innocent – the intent of the questioner is not self-interested or derived from an agenda of their own
Explicit – clearly and explicitly expressed
This list makes the acronym PRAIRIE.
You often know a question is really powerful when the listener pauses and you can see by their eye movements that they are thinking deeply. They might even say “that’s a really good question”. People I’ve coached or mentored years before sometimes tell me that a particular question I asked them shifted everything for them. I’ve long forgotten the question or even the particular conversation, but clearly it stayed with them because it met the conditions of PRAIRIE.
Here’s what it looks like in practice with kids.
Questions that encourage reflection
What surprised you?
What did you learn from that?
What do you wish you’d done differently?
Questions that build self-awareness
What would one of your friends say about you/ what you did?
What are you proud of that no one else noticed?
How did you feel about that?
Questions that develop confidence
Imagine you feel completely confident about this. What would you do first?
What strengths did you use in that situation?
What helped you bounce back/ get over feeling sad/angry/frustrated?
Questions that open up possibility
What do you think might happen if you tried it this way?
What’s another way to look at it?
What else could it mean instead?
If you were advising a friend, what would you tell them?
The importance of the pause
When you ask a powerful question, it’s unusual for someone to begin their answer straight away. Because many of us are uncomfortable with silence, we tend to jump in and fill the gap with either another question or a comment. It’s really important to just give the listener space to think, even if it feels awkward.
When I trained as a counsellor we had lots of practice just sitting with silence, so it no longer feels uncomfortable to me. I’m very grateful for that experience—it made me a much better coach/mentor and is useful in the mentoring approach I take with my own grandchildren.
When not to ask
The last thing we want is to overwhelm our grandchildren with so many questions that they feel like they’re under interrogation. And sometimes, all they need is for you to just listen. No questions, no solutions, no interruptions, just quietly give them your full attention.
“I shall only ask him, and not teach him, and he shall share the enquiry with me” Socrates
Avoid the compulsion to fix
When you feel the tug to teach or to rescue, it’s time to pause and ask yourself—Can I get the same result by asking, instead of telling? At the right time, a powerful question can help someone change perspective or access knowledge or insight they didn’t realise they had. It’s a collaborative approach that can help grandchildren build their critical thinking and problem-solving skills. And in a world that is becoming reliant on AI shortcuts and solutions, these skills will be critical for kids to thrive.
Questions to ask yourself
I’d love to hear your thoughts on these:
Do I tend to jump in with advice, or am I comfortable sitting with a question?
Which of these questions might suit each of my grandchildren’s personalities or ages?
What question would I have loved someone to ask me when I was their age?